The best clown gig ever offered

JOHN WAYNE GACY – Nathan Allen, The Maniac of Magic – Comedian Magician Entertainer Entertainment – Des Moines, IowaI wonder if they found anybody?

From Craigslist:

Seeking Adult Drunk Clown for 30th Birthday party

Date: 2008-08-26, 3:22PM CDT

We need an Adult Drunk Clown who is good at getting drunk and stupid. No need to do any clown tricks, just hang out and drink a shit load. We will be hopping around to different bars and want a clown to tag a long and drink heavely. He doesn’t even need to socialize with anyone, just drink.

the birthday is on Friday, Sept. 5th in Bucktown. Oh, did I mention that the clown needs to get shitfaced. Don’t worry, we will purchase all the drinks.

PostingID: 814181712

Miracle Elixir In The Hotel Bathroom

HOTEL BATHROOM - Nathan Allen, The Maniac of Magic - Comedian Magician Entertainer Entertainment - Des Moines, IowaThe tiny-hotel-shampoo is labeled “Awake“.

Its special awakening ingredients?
Sunflower & Grapefruit Essences“.

Okay. Whatever.

The tiny-hotel-soap is labeled “Calm“.

Its special calming ingredients?
Sunflower & Grapefruit Essences“.

Okay. Whatev- Wait.


Where I Do What I Do (a list)

One of the most common questions I get is, “Where do you perform?”

My typical answer is, “Ummm…”

But here is the answer I would love to memorize and rattle off faster than an auctioneer, just to emotionally exhaust whichever poor soul who was trying to make polite conversation:

  • Awards Nights
  • Banquet Events
  • Bars
  • Beer Gardens
  • Casinos
  • Christmas Parties
  • Class Reunions
  • Club Events
  • Coffee Shops
  • Colleges and Universities
  • Comedy Clubs
  • Comedy Nights
  • Company Parties
  • Conventions
  • Corporate Events
  • Country Clubs and Golf Courses
  • Customer Appreciation Events
  • Employee Appreciation Parties
  • Fairs and Festivals
  • Fraternity and Sorority Functions
  • Fund-Raiser Events
  • Graduation Parties
  • Halloween Parties
  • Holiday Parties
  • Hotel Events
  • House Parties
  • Illinois
  • Iowa
  • Kansas
  • Lounges
  • Minnesota
  • Missouri
  • Nebraska
  • New Year’s Eve Parties
  • Nightclubs
  • Office Parties
  • Private Parties
  • Public Events
  • Resorts
  • South Dakota
  • Taverns
  • Theaters
  • Wisconsin

Yeah.  That would be fun…  for me.

Oh, and if you think that this was just some pointless post to help out with search engine rankings… You’re absolutely right.


Ruptured eardrums and broken fingers

Got some new toys for the show today…

The first is a brand-spankin’ new sound system to take on the road.  I’ve been playing with it all afternoon, and… I love it. It is AMAZING. If you’re in the market for a portable sound system that packs a punch, I highly recommend the YAMAHA STAGEPAS™ 500:

In fact, the music store I bought it through was so impressed with it (they had never had one in-stock before, so they tested mine when it arrived), that they said they were going to stop carrying “similar” (they’re not even close) “competing” (it’s not even a competition) portable sound systems and start carrying just *this* one. They were gushing, basically.  It’s an incredible piece of equipment for the traveling performer.

The other toy I got for the show today is… ummm… one of those very inhumane steel-jaw leg-hold animal traps.

Don’t judge me.

You know the type of trap I’m talking about, the ones where steel jaws slam shut when the trigger is activated, slashing the skin and breaking the bones of whichever poor innocent creature happens to get too close.

I don’t want to post the photos here, but if you’re sick and twisted, check out Google Images for “coyote leg trap” to see some pretty disturbing photos of the new toy I’ve been playing with.

Fuck it.  If you’re brave, here is a photo:

I already have several (hopefully not permanent) injuries from this evil device, and I’ve only owned it for a few hours.

Stay tuned for the imminent announcements of ruptured eardrums and broken fingers.

Love youse. Take care.